This morning I woke from an incredibly vivid dream with a sense of anxiety and sadness. The details faded quickly, but from what I can recall, the gist involved me on a group vacation with friends. On this vacation I felt ostracized by the group and at one point, a friend of mine in the dream said that it was because I was different. In my dream, I knew exactly what he meant by that and it was...
Black Hole Sun
Well, it’s been a month since my last post and I do feel as if things have gotten worse for me. A few weeks back I went in to see my doctor and she added Trazodone to my pharmacological treatment. Now I take my 40 mg of Citalopram in the morning and the Trazodone at night before bed. Plus, I also have a nice big bottle of Xanax 0.25 mg for my break through. If I’m being...
Well, it’s official. Today is the first day in the post-team era. To be a little more clear, my co-worker and teammate of 11+ years had his last day yesterday. This move was in large part a response to the significant changes in management practices over the last year. We went from a department where management treated us as paid professionals and where leadership was a core part of the...
A day hasn’t gone by this week where I haven’t felt morose and filled with a sort of dread at what work will be like in just over two weeks. I feel tired, run down, and borderline ready to cry pretty much every day. If I could get away with grabbing my management by the shoulders, shake them, and ask them what the fuck they’re thinking, I would. At the end of the next two weeks,...
The Beginning of the End
It’s been a long time in coming, but my co-worker/boss/mentor/friend is finally moving on from our current employer. We’ve been partners for the last 11+ years, but have each been talking about taking the next step since October. Talking and planning are one thing, but when you know that the actual change is mere weeks away, well, I can’t help but feel sadness and anxiety over...
I don’t know that words can adequately convey the feelings I have about my work environment right now. The team I’m on, as I know it, is being slowly torn apart by upper management that seems to get its glee on from kicking over sandcastles. It began with moving our team leader out of our collaborative work environment into his own office under this misguided, one-size-fits-all...
Lightning in a Bottle
The last eleven years of my life have been spent working at a place that has seen its fair share of ups and downs, but through it all, I worked on a small team of two (later joined by a third in December of last year) and together we did (and do) great work. Through it all, my team mate and I became good friends and coming to work through those shifts in management and departmental turmoil somehow...
A Side Order of Helpless
A week ago Monday I attended my first session with a psychologist and overall, I feel that it went well. Not only is her office conveniently close to my home, I walked away with a solid first impression of her. She had a very pleasant demeanor and definitely helped guide my outer monologue towards something. Yes, I definitely do have some OCD traits, and that is certainly a trigger. One of...
A Little Dab Will Do Ya
This week I scheduled my first appointment with a clinical psychologist. The appointment is on Monday. When all this “stuff” started going down last year and my doctor put me on Citalopram for anxiety, I told myself that I would see therapist if I still needed the medication twelve months down the road. This last year has had its share of ups and downs, but thankfully it wasn’t...
So, I'm Writing a Book...
It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a very long time. The idea started out as a script for a graphic novel / mini-series back in 2003. I had hoped to script out six issues and shop it around to publishers. However, about a third of the way into issue five of six, I was told by several friends close to the industry that publishers very rarely go for six-issue minis from unknown...
Something I think we all knew... →
34, 35, 36... 36 years old ah, ah, ah, aaah.
Shit, I’m 36 years old today. Not that I necessarily feel it, or feel that I look like it. But, I am now officially two years older than my dad was when I was born and I don’t yet have any children. It’s going to happen, but probably not until I’m 40.
Hey Wrecker: Crusading Through Mud →
heywrecker: This past Saturday I participated in my second 5k obstacle run, the Mud Crusade held in Dade City, Florida, not too far from Tampa. This particular mud run was held at the Dade City Motocross track so it turned out to be quite a different experience from the Warrior Dash that I went to back in…
Tomorrow - A Fantastic Day!
I broke my glasses. On accident, of course. In a very careless fashion if I might add as well. Normally I’m very conscientious about my glasses. I don’t typically just leave them laying around. Especially not after the last time I broke them two years ago. However, tonight, due to some pretty slick moves chopping up a jalapeño pepper to go with dinner, I ended up with my face under...
Count Birdula: Today's news →
countbirdula: First, there ain’t a damn thing wrong with my grades and my paper isn’t missing. Once again, I got myself into a fit prematurely. Second, I have my first interview tomorrow (the one with the child and adolescent practice). (And yes, I got here four days early.) I’m not even letting myself think… Good luck on your interviews this week! I’m positive that you’ll...
Count Birdula: I need more online/Tumblr friends. →
countbirdula: I just realized I’m more socially awkward online than I am in person. Although I’m strongly introverted, I can usually connect with people well because—as I’ve heard—I look “trustworthy.” I am also a good listener and, although you would not guess it from my neurotic and anxious posts, actually… Sure! I don’t think any of those things based on what I’ve read of...
Some Belated, Random Thoughts
It’s been a while since my last entry and a lot of that has to do with the fact that since taking my medication months and months ago, I pretty much have my shit together. I don’t feel the overwhelming “need” to write the way I did leading up to treating my anxiety. But, pretty much having my shit together is not always the same as being “normal” as defined by...
I don’t even know how it happened or why it happened. Yesterday I felt great. I woke-up this morning on the verge of tears and there I stayed for a good part of the day. In my head it felt like I was just sitting on the edge of an emotional cliff dangling my feet. The gratitude I feel towards my supervisor and friend just cannot be fully expressed in words. Thankfully days like these have...
Norway Is Out of Butter. Seriously. →
It looks like the Low-Carb, High-Fat (LCHF) way of eating literally ate the butter out of Norway. All of it. I haven’t looked too closely into LCHF but from the sounds of it, it’s taking cues from the primal/paleo way of eating. Still, it’s hard to imagine an entire nation eating through its entire supply.
The Ones With the Most, Need It The Least →
heywrecker: Florida. The name inspires terror in all who paid attention to Mrs. WhatsHerFuck’s 11th grade civics class. Not only are we in the elite class of states that fucked up an entire presidential election, we have continued to prove time and time again that we have the legislative brain power of a limp dick. Take this for example: “Scott is among nearly 32,000 people in state government...
Living Like a Grown-Up
This weekend I took a step towards living like the grown-up that I am. My wife and I have been living in the house we bought for a little over two years now. It’s a lovely little starter home in a great “neo-traditional” community. You know the type- mixed townhomes, single-family residences, and apartments with a town center featuring local restaurants, shops, a gym, parks, as...
A Quick Dash of Anxiety
Yesterday was my first day back to work after several days of sick leave spent recovering from a sinus infection. Returning to work was overwhelming due to the pile-up of crap that built-up while I was gone. So much so that I spent a good part of the night waking up with anxiety and having to force myself to breathe and relax. It’s still a little too much for the medicine to mask and I know...
“grains… Grains… GRAINSSS!!!” I first imagined myself as a shuffling, carbohydrate addicted zombie when I contemplated transitioning over to a paleo-diet, using the Primal Blueprint as a guideline. I thought that those words would ring over and over in my head like the mantra of something out of a vegetarian-George A. Romero movie. Surprisingly, I was wrong. For those who...
As I sit writing this, my thoughts just keep churning over and over regarding yesterday’s untimely news. I was hoping that my thoughts would be more clear this morning, but alas, they’re not. I never had the pleasure of meeting Steve Jobs, but I have had a love of his company since my first exposure to the Apple II back in elementary school. The first personal computer that I ever...
I stopped by the CVS on my way into work this morning to grab a soda, which is not an atypical thing for me to do on a Monday morning. What I saw on my way to the refrigerated beverage section, however, was anything but typical. I passed an older asian woman standing in front of the Kodak touch-screen kiosk. She was tapping the screen, selecting which photos that she wanted printed. As I glanced...
A First World Problem (or Watch the Middle-Aged...
I am a genetic freak. Not in the “Lance Armstrong, super-athlete” sense of the term, but rather in the “Casmir Coulson, in good shape but has some sort of metabolic disorder” sense. For the last several years I have struggled with abnormally high LDL cholesterol (400+), triglycerides, and sugars with abnormally low HDL cholesterol (33 and lower). I’ve been on statins...
Mega-Billionaire Industrialists for Rick Perry →
The outstanding example is Harold Simmons, a Dallas mega-billionaire industrialist who has donated well over a million dollars to Perry’s campaign committees recently. With Perry’s eager assistance—and despite warnings from Texas environmental officials—Simmons has gotten approval to build an enormous radioactive waste dump on top of a crucial underground water supply. Quote Source: Joe...
The very meaningless of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of...– Stanley Kubrick, 1968 Playboy interview
Steve Jobs Resigns As CEO Of Apple →
It’s the end of an era. Steve Jobs returned to the company he founded in 1997 and orchestrated one of the biggest turn arounds in American business history. Love him or hate him, he and his executive team have breathed new life into Apple. Tim Cook has assumed the role of CEO and I truly hope that the company holds itself to the Jobsian standard under his management.
A Little Crazy with Your Coffee
From time to time I have to perform customer service trouble-shooting as part of my job function. I do a hell of a lot more than simple service desk stuff, but on occasion it’s a necessary evil. This morning I received an incredibly rude email in response to my attempts at trouble shooting an issue for a home user. I crafted a very polite, considerate response before even leaving for work...
Dumber Than a Sack of Doorknobs →
Despite saying last month that he was “fine with” states like New York allowing gay marriage, Perry has now said he supports a constitutional amendment that would permanently ban gay marriage throughout the country and overturn any state laws that define marriage beyond a relationship between one man and one woman. Quote Source: Chris Moody at Yahoo! News Explain to me why this...
Stop Coddling the Super Rich →
I didn’t refuse, nor did others. I have worked with investors for 60 years and I have yet to see anyone — not even when capital gains rates were 39.9 percent in 1976-77 — shy away from a sensible investment because of the tax rate on the potential gain. People invest to make money, and potential taxes have never scared them off. And to those who argue that higher rates hurt job creation, I...
Two Too Much
My routine every morning is normally like a finely crafted Swiss watch. Well, that might be saying a bit much. How about an off-brand $8.00 CVS digital watch? I get up every morning at the same time, eat the same cereal, iron my pants, take my morning pill, and proceed from there. However, this morning as I was about to walk out the door, I couldn’t remember if I had actually taken my first...
@CountBirdula - Ms. Bird's Miscellania: It was a... →
countbirdula: From the outside looking in, no one has a clue about how much I’m suffering with my anxiety (and really, depression, too). I’m not a spaz, in real life. I do my school work; I get straight A’s. I do my freelance work, keep my clients happy, and pay all my bills on time. I talk to my friends like… I’m very sorry that what happened today ended up making the rest of your...
Riveting Crush: @CountBirdula - Medications →
countbirdula: rivetingcrush: I didn’t realize that I could only leave one note. I had intended to break my reply up into two parts. Here’s the whole response: I’ve been following you since you first followed me and I feel for you. It sounds a lot more serious than my problems. The citalapram I’m taking every day has really… I agree with you; I think I do need to at least attempt to find a...
@CountBirdula - Medications
I didn’t realize that I could only leave one note. I had intended to break my reply up into two parts. Here’s the whole response: I’ve been following you since you first followed me and I feel for you. It sounds a lot more serious than my problems. The citalapram I’m taking every day has really helped. Not huge on taking meds for everything, but this is where I decided...
Sometimes Ideas Should Die →
Every project has restraints and realities that can’t be ignored, no matter how much you want to pursue a particularly brilliant concept. To help mitigate that, it’s important to trust that there are always plenty of creative ideas where the last one came from. Otherwise, you’re working within a belief system of limits, which is certain to undermine creativity. Quote Source: Teresa Brazen...
Taking America Back →
Apart from the early, classic Tea Party slogan, “Keep the Government out of Our Medicare,” the cry was, “I Want My America Back”. Well, I want MY America back too. Yes, the deficit must be reduced, waste eliminated, spending curtailed, and entitlements reviewed and probably reduced, but we need a government that operates by compromise not coercion. I want an America...
Blunting the Knife's Edge
Up until last week, I had been feeling like I was balancing on the edge of a knife. My symptoms had gotten better under the medication, but it still felt like there was turmoil just beneath the surface waiting to emerge. I had a follow-up last week where I relayed that to my doctor so she recommended that I move up from 20 mg (1 pill a day) to 30 mg (1 pill in the morning, half a pill...
Hills and Valleys
Hills and valleys. What do those have in common with me? Apparently everything. As I mentioned in a previous entry, the last several days have been great. While I don’t think I would say I felt 100% myself, it was the closest I’ve come in a long, long time. But, this morning, I feel like I rolled down a small hill into a shallow valley. It’s not the worst funk I’ve had....
And I Ran...
So, the last several days I have felt great! Friday was my best day yet and today was pretty damn good as well. I just had so much energy Friday and felt like I didn’t have enough outlets for it. It was really strange. Today, the intensity wasn’t so high, but I still felt really good and early this evening, after being cooped up in the house all day, I decided to go for a run. Decided...
Don't Let Congress Spy On You →
Please take the time to fill this out. The law essentially allows the government, using your internet service provider as a proxy, the ability to track your day to day web usage and visitation patterns for up to 12 months. Imagine having a government agent following you everywhere, tracking your interests, the people you associate with, the topics you discuss. That’s what this is in internet...
Apple Holding More Cash Than the Feds →
Kind of sad that a computer company has more in cash reserves than the Federal government.
Three Day Swing
Dear Tumblr, it has been three days since my confession… I’m not going to lie, Wednesday was a rough day for me. I felt listless, lifeless, and had no motivation to do anything. Somehow, I made it through the day. I don’t even recall what I worked on. Dinner came and went and I had no desire to play computer games, draw, or even watch tv with my wife. Apologetically, I dragged...
The Designer's Dilemma →
The design dilemma these sites are facing is that their is simply too much content. Instead of trying to narrow down what content needs to be shown on the homepage, they try to find ways to ensure that all content is shown on the homepage. You can’t honestly tell me that all news items deserve front page coverage no matter how small the link is can you? Quote: Andy Rutledge at Drawar.com ...
Alternative Reality Chicken →
The Treasury Department, which keeps the government bankbook, set the Aug. 2 deadline, but they say it cannot be trusted because it is an arm of the Obama administration. Representative Joe Walsh, a freshman from Illinois, recorded an instantly notorious video in which he accused President Obama of “lying” about the dangers of default. “There’s plenty of money to pay off our debt and cover...
Mental Quirk #616
No sooner do I write about having an upswing then my body decides that it needs a minor correction downwards. The anxiety in my chest isn’t as bad as it has been, but I feel like I have a ball of my emotions caught in the back of my throat. On top of that, I have my old “run away” urge where I simply want to hop in a car and drive far, far away. The logical side of me recognizes...
Since my last post, my condition seems to improve with every day that passes. The pressure and discomfort in my chest has decreased dramatically over what it has been in weeks past. The citalopram, from all appearances, seems to be doing its job in stabilizing my mood and my anxiety and as predicted, is becoming more effective the longer its in my system. That’s not to say that things are...